God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
