the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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