I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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