My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
