my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
