fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
