I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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