I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
