They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
