A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
