do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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