my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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