There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I still have a little drunk in my system
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
