Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
