my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
