I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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