Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
