a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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