low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I will pee on everything he values.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
