God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
