I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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