i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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