I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
