if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
