I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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