I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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