My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
