I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
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he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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