The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
