So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
it hurts more in the daytime
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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