I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
