walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
