it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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