just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
