That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
