He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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