We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
