Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
only you would photoshop your dick
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
