Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
