4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's official drugs can't kill me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
