This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
