ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
