Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
