omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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