I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
