I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
