My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
