i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
