You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
