The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
