Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
