you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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