If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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