It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
