she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
