After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
