he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
